The road to loving myself has been a difficult one. It came with rough terrain and enough question marks to make anyone go crazy! After 29 years I have finally learned to love every part of me, pleasant and unpleasant, ugly and pretty, complicated and uncomplicated. And the journey continues.
As a child I remember being what people would call a geek. In the 5th grade I wrote an essay as part of a contest. A few select others and myself, won the essay contest and were able to go on a weekend field trip out of state to Space Camp. I can remember being there. I can remember the smell in the living quarters and the way my stomach felt on the simulator. I can remember wanting to go to space, or wanting to be what they would call an astronaut. These memories are so vivid.
With puberty (the loss of innocence, the rites of passage) came awareness. Much like the story of Adam and Eve. No longer being a child you become aware of your body, how you look to others, what others think and feel about you, how they view you, the list goes on and on. Often times we grew up in conditions where our parents either weren’t equipped to deal with these situations or just neglected them all together, for reasons of their own; which ultimately feeds into personal insecurities. This makes it an internal battle, between what you know to be true about yourself and what you are (or feel you are) presenting to others. Do the two align? Why or why not? How do you feel about it? Do you care? Why or why not? Will it stop life from happening?
Insecurities were developed as my older brother got straight A’s and I gained an interest in boys. It was like finding out over night that “her ass is fatter than mines” (LOL)… then I began to have skin lesions.
Later I was diagnosed with lichen planus.
Here is a picture!
So, yes I was that girl wearing long sleeves in the summer time in Georgia heat! I was uncomfortable physically because I was uncomfortable mentally. (Because I didn’t know that changing my perspective could change it all). On top of that I’ve never been the smallest, at least not in my eyes.
***That was the key, it was all in my eyes! What is in your eyes, your sight, your vision about yourself…is in YOUR head. Who told you what fat even looked like? Why did you believe them? Did you accept someone else’s version of what something was for you?
Now wonder I began to feel like I was not enough! Not good enough, pretty enough, light enough, dark enough, skinny enough, smart enough…you get where I’m going with this. Hindsight tells me every woman goes through this in some way or another (for multiple reasons including oppression); current events tell me that not everyone comes out these situations and circumstances in the same way. Which happens to be why the “product of my environment” tagline is complete bs, btw! Some people get stagnant at victim while others use that situation or circumstance to level up thus becoming empowered.
It took me years to get out of my bag as it pertained to who I was and my body image. I elected to change the things I could and I accept the things that I couldn’t!
Side Note: I gained even more weight after my son; cutting out meat cut all of it plus more from my petite frame. As it pertains to my skin, I still get skin lesions but I treat them naturally, (Let me tell you, skin lesions, marks, and discoloration has never stopped no show!).
I do have a few theories on my skin “disorder” though… LOL.
- Psychedelic Lichen planus found in Ecuador could explain my hybridocity! Shamans once used it to collectively tap into their subconscious… in other words they got high! ELEVATED! Or.
- The jaguar people. Could it be possible that our ancestors not only loved the animal (its characteristics/symbology) and its skin (coat) but that a group of actual jaguar psychedelic shamans existed in or of the tribe (at the top of the hierarchy)? It may be a long shot! But it is a possibility! And if I can think it (and there is nothing new under the sun) it must be the truth!
***People pay to go get cheetah prints tattooed, I have them by design so I must be pretty special. *Shape your reality/change your perspective.
At 28 years of age I began to understand that I am not my body. I learned that what I look like physically has no bearing on who I AM! #Winning Then it occurs to me that 28 is young, and that there are still some people who live their lives based upon the opinions of others! Constantly living for everyone else except for himself or herself. This hardly constitutes as living and it is both sad and crazy.
I was repeating my own patterns while trying to break the cycles of family members before me. Although I wasn’t conforming, I was selling myself short. I saw the truth what it was, regardless of who likes me or who does not, who thinks I’m cute or not, smart, capable, no matter what people thought about me…they couldn’t stay from around me or not call on me for some ish!
So that makes me the *ISH!!!!!!!
Dammit it feels good yall. And in true fashion loving yourself, being you, being comfortable in your own skin, being authentic…is the only way to live the life of your dreams.
Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!
No one told me I didn’t have to be fat skinny light dark, ugly pretty short tall or smart, no one ever told me that all I had to do was just be. No one told me I didn’t have to live up to societies labels. No one told me that I was limitless. I was never told that I didn’t have to pick this or that and that it was possible for me to have both! And no one told me that I had a god body (regardless of how I thought it appeared to others because of how it appeared to me). I am telling you that in spite of how you think or feel about yourself and how you look at or view yourself…you are beautiful, you are smart, And YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Four of the greatest lessons I’ve learned on my journey so far:
- You are not your body
- You are a mirror (What you see when you look in the mirror is seldom what other people see when they look at you!)
- You don’t have to submit. (Its a Choice!)
- Self love is universal love.
Share with us two of the greatest lessons you have learned along the way? Or name your biggest insecurity.
Peace, Love, & Light